The Hand-Off

I am a forty-seven-year-old man, and I have a desire to work for a company that values their employees. I hold the role of Production ‘Manager’ for a millwork company located in the western suburbs of this bullet riddled shit show called Chicago. As a rule, a management team should possess, at the very least, a modicum of managerial skills. Like, being able to discern when employees are wiping their asses with the ‘company-provided’ toilet paper and throwing that shit stained wad on the…‘company-provided’ floor next to the one, let me repeat, ONE ‘company-provided’ toilet for men. There are fifteen ‘man-boys’, not including myself, that work for the company. I have to “share” the one fucking, disgusting toilet with 15 other dudes. Doesn’t at least one of the managers understand what is going on? Can’t they see the poo covered shit wads next to the toilet on the floor?  No…No, Kemosabe, those aren’t nose boogers on that toilet paper. Don’t the managers have to use the one toilet, too? Um…class, toilet paper goes in the toilet. Go ahead, throw it right in the bowl..and flush it bye bye. I can’t imagine the managers aren’t using the toilet. Or maybe that’s why they “go to lunch” for an hour every day. They must run over to Wendy’s to dump their load while sucking down a Mega (or rather, a MAGA) Frosty ..But I digress…

Our sales force consists of two people. One young man in his twenties rides shotgun to the company’s owner. And their sales style loosely resembles…uh, how can i say this?…Well, quite frankly, it resembles ‘Order Taking’. I don’t think these guys could make twenty cold calls in a week. Proposing to them to make cold calls every day feels like asking Jesus to go back to doing carpentry…they could do it but…they just aren’t going to. Again, I digress…

The problems start when they sell something. Awesome guys! Hey, you took an order for sixteen red widgets and twenty-four green widgets and now you’re hot to trot to get that shit into production so the design department can design it, and the production manager can order all the materials needed and also schedule it for the production floor and then document the parts assemblies so your widgets doesn’t look like a wogdets when the customer opens the crate, and the shop can make it and the packaging department can crate it good enough so the dip shit forklift drivers at the St. Louis transfer hub can’t run the forklift forks right through the side of the crate too easily, and the shipping department can schedule a semi to fucking pick it up, and the dock manager can load it on the right semi, so the semi driver can drive it to St. Louis, from Chicago, for transfer onto a semi driving a main lane to just past half way over the fucking Rockies…by next Friday.

Awesome. The sales team simply needs to input the customer’s correct information into the CRM, then create…What’s a CRM you ask? Ho ho, well I’m glad you brought that up! CRM stands for CUSTOMER RELATIONS MANAGEMENT and it is a fully-featured, fully functional software package that is installed RIGHT THERE ON YOUR FUCKING COMPUTER.

…actually that’s not true.

It is a web application that you can ACCESS ANYWHERE FROM YOUR PHONE OR YOUR NEIGHBOR’S PHONE OR ANY OF YOUR SNOT-NOSED CUSTOMER’S PHONES, you can even access it while taking a shit and throwing your poo paper on the floor!  And it is a very handy way of keeping track of your customers information and their orders.

As Production Manager, I feel I overstep my bounds by providing direction to the sales team. However, their manager seems to always be at Wendy’s these days, providing input to their facilities.

Well, so in his absence I share with the sales force my modest understanding of the CRM and how they should use it.  I tell them “It is rather simple. It has specific input fields that will help you gather information. For example, it will prompt you to enter your customer’s first AND LAST name. You will have to fill in both fields as they are both…uh…REQUIRED! Do not apply the first name to both of these input fields. Though it is possible that Duane Duane, and Steve Steve are actual real people, rest assured I will confront you about this every time the situation presents. Next comes the customer’s Company Name. Again, it is important to add the actual company name that will be providing payment for the goods you sold. If the company is named ‘Alco Metal Refinishing Inc’ no variant, let me repeat, ABSOLUTELY NO VARIANT SHOULD BE ENTERED. As a hint, you can track down the proper company name in several ways. For example, if Duane Duane has sent you an email, look at his address. duaneduane@alcometalrefinishinginc.com. Take a chance and type in the address extension into a browser. Fuck, leave off the www if you are feeling extra lucky! Just type in alcometalrefinishinginc.com and see what pops up. Chances are you’ll be on the money end of an informational bukkake event. Whatever you find, go ahead and input the information into the corresponding CRM fields. make sure Alco Metal Refinishing Inc hasn’t been listed as ‘All Co Medal Refurbishing Co’. Be sure to put the company phone number in the main phone number field and Duane Duane’s cell phone number in the direct line or mobile number field. Also, the shipping department will be eternally grateful if you enter the entire address. This includes the proper state  AND ZIP CODE!!!  Now let’s get down to brass tacks! The order…create a deal in the CRM from which you will be able to create a very proper work order. Along with the customer’s correct information, it should also clearly define what your customer wants to purchase, including, but not limited to, our internally agreed upon correct catalog model number of the widget they want, the quantity of that widget (this helps the shop make enough of them), any special details like color, or if they have requested the tops of their widgets to be  cut off so none of their idiot employees can pile shit on top of them. Then  print out the work order, clip it to a clip board and give it to accounting. They’ll take it from there.”

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